Hello there, lovelies

Welcome back, me! Writing that made me feel a little pathetic, welcoming myself back to Scotland, like the time I worked in a bakery and a woman came in to order a birthday cake for herself. Anyway. I'm back from France and I'm sure all of you are very excited to hear about my trip (Croissants. Croissants and wine) but here's the thing--Eurovision happened while I was gone.  

Eurovision. This strange thing that I've always heard about, pictures of massive pyrotechnic shows and seven-foot-tall Norwegians in death metal gear singing songs about how, when you are worshipping Satan, it's nice to stop and smell the roses drenched in the blood of innocents.

To be fair, this is Albania. I think. Nice commitment, guys.

Seriously. How could you not want to know what that's about. And this is my chance! The one time I will ever see the performances, hear songs expressing heartfelt love of mankind and country in semi-English lyrics (they use a lot of uhuhs and open pronunciation). 

So what I'm saying is, France will have to wait because I have three hours of extremely high-production-value variety show to watch. Here are some of the acts I've seen so far. Seizure warnings to date: three.

Blue, from Great Britain--is it wrong that I wish Billy Mack was representing us?

The Moldovan entry. Do yourself a favor and never watch their performance.

AHHAAAAAAA, what?! Jedward, from Ireland.

UPDATE: And the winner is...Azerbaijan? Okay.