Important Lessons

I have spent the last 30 hours learning some very important life lessons. For the edification of my millions of devoted followers, I shall enumerate them:

Life Lesson the First: I should not ever, ever drink whiskey, by that or any other name.

Poison.

This lesson is brought to you by Thursday night at the Horse Brass, a very nice bar where I threw up in the hallway on my way to the bathroom. I also threw up in the bathroom, on the sidewalk outside, and, like the littlest pig, all the way home. I then continued to be violently, violently ill in the bathroom at home, until passing out on the floor until 5am. As part of the continuing guilt saga, one of my family members, all of whom I have been nothing short of heinous toward, covered me with a blanket and got me a pillow. I really, truly don't deserve them.

I can't decide if this is a good or bad lesson to have learned on my way to the whiskey/scotch drinking capital of the world (I don't know if Scotland actually holds that title; it just seemed appropriate, given the name). I suppose it's good to know, even if it's not good that it's true.

Life Lesson the Second: If I do drink whiskey, I need to throw up as much as possible the night of.

Surprisingly, given the amount of hurling I was doing Thursday night into Friday morning, I really didn't feel too bad the next day. Aside from having a sensation a bit like that of a wrung-out dishtowel, which is kind of how I feel on a daily basis, anyway, I found my state of existence quite tolerable.

Life Lesson the Third: My family is far too accepting and comforting to allow me to continue to treat them in the horrible, horrible fashion to which I have become accustomed.

As I have no intention of changing my behavior before I leave, I continue to believe that the solution is to avoid them as much as possible until I can act like a responsible, compassionate human being again.

Life Lesson the Fourth: I should never try to fool myself into thinking I am capable of being in a relationship where both parties are less than mutually committed.

It doesn't work and leads, directly or indirectly, to the learning of the lessons above.

Heavens to Betsy, I MUST find and purchase a new computer today. Life Lesson the Fifth: procrastination is never helpful, and may lead to increased stress levels and awfulness toward one's loved ones.

But not as much as boys will.